Trust

This is long and not funny at all. Just something I needed to write. The award is right under this so if ya want to skip on down, you wont hurt my feelings.

My Mom did such a wonderful post for me but still only told you a little about me. She put in all the great things about me that I am truly proud of. She is such a great Mom and I am so blessed that I am lucky enough to be her daughter. We are really close and she is really my best friend. I believe she is the only person that I totally trust 100%. I trust Hubby but truthfully, not as much as I trust her.

I have a hard time really trusting people. Mostly men. I have been stepped on and really hurt by some men. One of which, I should have been able to really trust. It was my Mom's father.

I would go see him and my step-grandmother every summer to spend a week or so. They didn't live close to us so that's why I would stay for an extended time when I did go see them. I loved him so much and it was so special to get to spend time with him. I would always steal his seat and make him move me. It was a little game we would play. I also remember going to the golf course with him and being so excited because he let me drive the golf cart. He is a very controlling man so this was a big thing to such a little girl. He was always a very proud man. He served in the military and was always willing to talk about it. You could just see how proud of himself he was in his eyes.

I also knew that my Aunt and him didn't get along. They never did. She was kind of an odd ball and I always assumed that they just clashed in personalities and that's why they didn't talk. My mom was always a "daddy's girl". I think she always strived to impress him growing up and tried to make him as proud of her as he was of himself. I would do the same. When I was there, I would do what he asked without question. I even ate green beans and said I liked them (which I HATE green beans) to make him happy. I had total respect for him as he demanded it from everyone.

That is, until I saw the real him. In one day, he lost every ounce of trust and respect that I had for him. I now knew (without knowing it), why my Aunt hated him. He did the same thing to me that he had once done to her. I was so young and kept it all inside. I don't know why I didn't tell anyone. I know it wasn't because I thought I had done something wrong. I knew I hadn't but that he had. Maybe I didn't tell because he was so loved and respected and I didn't think anyone would believe me. Maybe because I didn't want to break my Moms heart. Or maybe, I was just so scared and didn't want to face it. Either way, I was broke inside and no one knew that was the reason. Other things had happened that year that would also cause a little girl to loose that sparkle in her eye so my Mom just thought those were the reasons.

When I was 12 years old (5 years later), I finally told someone. I told my best friend and we told my counselor at my school. Needless to say, EVERYONE found out. I now had to face it. I remember being so scared yet so relieved after that. But then came new problems.

When I talked to my Mom that night, I remember wondering if she even believed me. This was a man that she grew up loving and trusting. Now, she was hearing awful things about the man she called Dad. I blamed everyone but I don't remember ever blaming myself. I didn't blame them for what happened, but for not noticing. I had a lot of questions that took me another 5 years to ask. After that happened (before anyone knew), I would stick to my step-grandmother like glue to make sure I was never alone with him. Why didn't she notice and think it was strange? Why did she stay married to such a monster after she found out (she is still with him to this day)? Did she not believe me? Did my Mom really believe me? Why would she have me see him again knowing that I must really not want to see him? Why wasn't he in prison? Why me? They always tell you it happens to the weak, not the strong. That bothered me bad because I always saw myself as strong, so was I wrong? These were questions that floated through my head for years.

When I was 18 years old, I had a long talk about it with my Mom. She told me things I never knew before. Like the fact that I wasn't the first child he had done that too nor the last. She told me that my step-grandmother had told her to believe everything I had said when everyone found out because she had caught him doing the same to my step-cousin. She told me that truthfully, she had no idea how to handle it and took the advise (bad advise) from the social worker and counselor. She said that it had happened after other life changing things in my life (my friend accidentally killed her little sister while I was there and I had been in a car wreck) so I wasn't real strong at that time in my life. I was actually in counseling at the time and didn't even tell her. She also told me she felt guilty. She wasn't to blame for what had happened and I never did.

To this day, he has never apologised. Not really. All he said was "I hope we can move past this" but never "I am so sorry for what I did to you. That I hurt you so bad." Nor has he ever apologised to my Mom. I thinks she deserves one too. And to this day, I have NEVER forgiven him. I don't know that I ever will. He has never asked me to. I have no contact with him or his wife at all and he has never laid eyes on my daughter. He never will. He has seen Little Man twice and I was very uncomfortable about it both times. The last time was on Little Man's first birthday. The two times he did see him, I did it for my Mom's benefit. I thought that was what she wanted. Turns out, I was wrong. I learned that in our talk too.

To this day I still have questions. Like, why didn't my step-grandmother tell anyone when she caught him? Why can't he admit out loud what he did? How can my step-grandmother wake up every day knowing what lays next to her? When will he finally get what he deserves? Can, and should, I ever forgive him? When will I stop hating him? And, why do 'they' say that a lot of time people that do this horrible thing have had it happen to them? They should know better than anyone what it does to a persons heart and soul. I could NEVER do anything like that.

As you can see, I still deal with it everyday. It is not something that I will ever forget. I think it has played a big part in some of the things I have done in my life, mistakes I have made. But they were my mistakes and I know that I ultimately am the one that made those choices. I think it has a lot to do with my self esteem problems and everything to do with my trust issues. I think it has a lot to do with the depression issues I have had. I try and not 'act' like a victim but, I am.

I'm not broke anymore though. Hubby has helped a lot with that but mostly my Mom and Dad did. I will be eternally grateful to them for that.

I really try to believe that everything happens for a reason. I blamed God for a long time for allowing it to happen. I don't anymore. I realize God didn't do it nor chose to let it happen. My Mom's father made that choice all by himself. I have looked so hard and long for something good to come out of the whole situation. Here is what I have come up with so far.

Because it happened to me, maybe I will be a little wiser (paranoid) and be able to protect my children (especially Toot) a little better.
Because it happened to me, now my brothers and cousins know what a monster he is and will not allow their children to be alone with him.
Because it happened to me, now everyone knows what really happened to my aunt.
Because it happened to me, I know what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger. Eventually.

I don't know why I felt I needed to write this. Trust me, it wasn't easy. It's not that I wanted to but more that I needed to. I have felt that way since the day I started my blog. If it helps only one person, it was worth it. Even if that only person is me.