The one that got away......

Mama Kat has her prompts up so in order to stay out of detention, I will do my homework. I had no idea which one I would do or if I even would. Then at 6:30am, I woke up after having the weirdest dream and knew which one to write.

The one that got away

It's funny how people think that way. I never have. With my 2 longest relationships, I was the dumper so the first one wasn't that bad. The ones where I got dumped, so much harder but I got over it. The first one of the longest relationships was my ex-husband. I knew for months that it was coming to an end and so it was more of a 'when' to do it thing, not why. The ones where I got dumped, there were always the 'why' and that tends to hurt the ego. I think that was the hardest part for me.

So now we come to the one that was the hardest thing to go threw, and the hardest thing to end, in my life. It shouldn't have been. It should have been the easiest thing in the world to end. Any sane person could see that. Unfortunately, I couldn't.

When I was in high school, almost all my friends were guys. I never really got along with girls. I didn't like all the cattyness and drama that came with hanging out with a bunch of girls. I had one really good girl friend but all the rest were guys. This group of guys ended up being my best friends and would help me through anything. Granted, some wanted to date me, but I was taken. Some didn't care and would still try. They were all good guys and I loved them all. In fact, one of them was with me the night I met Benny.

Anyway, when I got divorced, all I wanted to do was go have fun. Being a small town in all, I didn't have to go far to find someone I use to hand out with. The first one I ran into, I made plans to hang out with that night. He was one of the guys that I actually considered my very best friend in high school. I will call him J for this so you don't get lost.

So J and me met up that night, had a blast, and started talking. J told me how he had all these plans for when my ex would leave for basic training but then I married him 3 days before he left. I ruined J's plans but now he had a second chance.

I basically blew him off. Then I started dating another guy. That didn't last long and J was back at me trying for that third chance. He was the kind of guy that knew exactly what to say to a girl. I finally gave in and we began the relationship that was the hardest on me to be in and the hardest for me to walk away from.

The first year was great. So great in fact, we got engaged. He was so kind, loved to have fun, and we really got along. He loved me so much that I could do just about anything to piss him off and by the end of the argument, he was apologising to me. I loved that. I became very manipulative and he was putty in my hands. Mostly though, we had a great relationship. He had a really rough childhood and I was always there to let him cry, yell, or drink it out.

That's where all the problems started. Drinking it out. It got to the point where every weekend we were out getting drunk. It didn't take long before he was out drinking without me. And then out cheating on me. I knew it but lived in denial because I would remember just how much he loved me. Then he got crazy. We would get into fights over EVERYTHING. One night, just to hurt him, I told him I cheated on him. That was the first time he hit me. I told him he was just as shitty as his dad and broke up with him. That lasted 2 days. He was back crying and apologising and I took him back. He loved me so much, couldn't live without me, yada yada yada...

This kind of stuff continued for about 6 months though we wouldn't break up. He became so mean and said the most hurtful things to me. In 6 months time, I went from being the one manipulating to the one being manipulated. We only got into actual physical fights 3 times but those were way easier to deal with than the emotional abuse he handed out daily.

Finally, on August 1st 2001, I chunked his ring out the window and it was over. I felt free to do what I wanted and started dating someone else. I didn't see any of my old friends because I didn't want to see J. I was happy again and my family was thrilled. I was doing real good until I broke up with the new guy in December. I saw J one time and we were back together. We were just like we were that first year we were together and it was great.

That lasted one weekend. I had done it before, so I did it again. I broke up with him. Then I started dating one of our best friends and was back to being happy again. As soon as that ended, I didn't get back together with J but would sometimes spend weekends with him. He was with another girl so it became a game of sorts. A really screwed up game.

Then it happened. He hurt me like he had never hurt me before and didn't seem to care. I think that hurt the worst. I couldn't believe that he would hurt the one person he loved the most so bad.* I was done. For good. No going back.

And, I haven't. I have seen him a few times and talked to him a few times since that awful night but there are no more feelings for him at all. He got even crazier and is now in prison. I am glad about this. I truly believe that he did love me at one point just as I did love him. But that love was replaced by obsession on his part. Scary obsession. He is in the only place I want him now and hope he stays for a very long time.

Him hurting me so bad that night was one of the worst things I have ever gone through. With out that night, I truly believe that he would have continued to hurt me. That I would not be sitting here writing this but instead, buried 6 feet under.

Instead, I am the one that got away.


* I realize that was very crazy thinking but what I was actually thinking at that point.